p u s i l l a n i m o u s

STILL WIPED OUT. Math test on Monday. Whole week of finals review starting Monday. Finals week after. Cramps. hurting. Woke up at the time my violin classes STARTED today. Never done that before... He's so nice though--he let me schedule my lesson an hour later. I love that guy (doesn't mean I can talk to him easily though DD|).

I got a backlog o' stuff to reply to, and it ain't goin' bye-bye on its own. Sorry if you're one o'em. I'll get to them soon!

Typed up lots of stuff for my 1930's AU, but it's open to Yumble members only. Sorry, folks! It's one of those what-the-heck-is-going-on kinda stories. But, hey! It's a FIGHTING GAME, so it's all right, right? It's also partly mystery, too, hahahaha. Right now, we're still just planning, so now programming just yet! But ONE DAY. *shakes fist*

Started playing a bunch of Disney songs, "Fly Me to the Moon," and "Tsuki no Waltz" on my violin for fun. I'm probably playing 'em in the wrong key since I'm playing them by ear. DD: I wish my ear was better! In the meantime, I'm gonna practice my bowing like crazy! And then I'll try to perfect my fingering. I want to get better so badly. *huffs* I can't wait to play classical music (looking at them now scares living daylights outta me--what's with the sea of chords?!--but, darnit, I want to play 'em!)..<33 I can't wait to be able to look at a sheet of music as poetry. I'll probably have to wait a kagillion years before then, but one day!

Is it weird that I start to feel sick whenever I even try to vent to people? It's really slight, but I start getting dizzy and/or nauseous, and even a headache on occasion. Typing doesn't do that, but talking does. It's weird. I don't even feel better if I manage to spit it out...in fact, I feel worse. It didn't use to be that way. It used to be that I could, but just didn't want to. It doesn't really bother me now, but I have a weird feeling that it will in the future.

I have a lot less work today, so I've been resting. We're watching Gattaca in bio, which I've never seen before. Of course, I found some points that are scarily similar to my own story. Haha, as always. It's more hilarious than annoying now. Besides, I tend to be pretty shameless when it comes to stealing ideas. I just stuff so many different ideas from different sources that they're usually unrecognizable. I'm kind of excited to watch more, heh.

The European website for Trace Memory 2!
Oh, man, that trailer was so cheesy, and Ashley is inexplicably British. XDD;;

I need to play Xenosaga III. Seriously. I forgot just how epic this series is. It's so...DETAILED. Have you SEEN those official books?! And it makes sense! I also realized it used the same concept for lengthening the lives of URTVs as I did for my clones--more telomerase! DNA doesn't get shorter as it continues to replicate because telomerase keeps lengthening telomeres, which are found at the end of our DNA! Essentially, they protect the DNA. Having nice telomeres also helps prevent cancer! Someday, in the future, they will probably implement genes into our genomes that make telomeres longer and telomerase more hefty and such. I guess. Yeaah. Did I take A.P. Bio partially for the sake of story making? Yes. Yes, I did. Did you know that when I first made this story, my main bases for science and plot were Xenosaga and Gunslinger Girl? XDD; Now those two are just there for sensible science help...I'm really glad that my science makes sense. |DD As a kid, I was afraid that my science would be too horrible to make anything decent--and now it's better! Yay.

And, darnit, I'm still hung over how cool Wilhelm is. He's so determined, and deep inside, he's a pretty decent guy, but the way he performs makes him seem like such a jerk. XD;; You can't blame him for being so jaded though. Eee, HE'S SO AWESOME. And he's an enneagram type 5 like me!...except he's on the other end of the spectrum--the, uh, "healthy" side.

That aside, I'm taking the A.P Bio free-response portion of my final tomorrow. The day after that is...the APUSH exam. Ohmanohmanohman, I hope I pass. orz;;; History and politics are so important, and yet I'm so bad at it! So...depressing. >>; Molecular bio? Fine. Concepts concerning macroscopic stuff? Eeeeehnnnggghh... It's just not as interesting, so I find it harder even though there are less concepts to understand. |(

Time to crassshhh.

The last time I felt this dead was probably when I was puking during finals week last year. I'm just so discouraged. I tend to study much longer than most people, and I still end up with the lower grade. I can't help but feel kind of stupid. I know, most people tell me I'm not since I'm able to maintain a so-and-so GPA, but, goshdarnit, I feel like such a dolt in my class when even with all of my efforts I still can't get the grades I aim for. I wish there was someone on the same boat as me, but my friends are all geniuses who can get A's even after telling me they haven't studied, and I, who has studied for about six hours more than them, can get no higher than a B. Everything that's been going on has just been burning my self confidence away.

I can't imagine taking anymore of these tests, doing all of this work--I'm getting so fed up with school. It's even more discouraging how schools are raising the bar for those who want A.P. credit in college; I feel like the highest I can manage is a 3, but now I'll need a 4 or a 5--but it just won't happen. Learn this for the test, do this for the test--I hate college board. I hate how I'm being taught that my life will be decided by all of these stupid tests.

( the complaints section )

HEADACHES ARE SO ANNOYING. LEMME WORK YOU BRATTY, UNCOOPERATIVE NETWORK OF NEURONS.

Working is starting to wear out my muses. I want to continue working on my story. But I remembered why I named Hans Hans. It was because his favorite fairytale as he "grew up" (as much as he COULD grow up) was H.C. Andersen's Den Standhaftige Tinsoldat, in its awesome Danish title. His "last name" (back in the story's early stages when they HAD last names) was from E.T.A. Hoffmann's name because he liked his Nußknacker und Mausekönig (in its original German title because it pleases my non-German-understanding ears) and its ballet rendition. Hans is a fairytale kinda kid, especially when it comes to inanimate objects made animate (he also likes the ballet Петрушка, the Oz books, and the book, of course, Le avventure di Pinocchio). He's read and watched all of these (only recordings and dinky library books since he's lived in that facility all of his life) in their original languages since he knows a kagillion languages for the sake of something (zOMG, PLOT *slapped*). His taste in books aren't exactly the same as mine (Andersen's stories are charming, but he's far from being one of my favorite authors). XD; He's read more love stories than I probably ever will, HAHA, so, yes, he does like Romeo and Juliet--I do not. Have I been working on Hans a lot lately? Why, yes, I have been. But work comes first! *punches something*

Totally spamming your f-lists with this crap. So! Today wasn't a terrible day, but I did find out some irksome things. 1) Candidates for the club board I'm on. 2) I have a precal quiz at the end of the day, and then my big, fat APUSH final right afterward. Precal doesn't exactly come to me too easily, so, uh, yeah. Not cool. I feel worse for the people with APChem and APUSH since they have test on that day. ^^;; 3) Seeing everyone stressing out at school makes me really depressed. I'm so sorry; I wish I could help! Come to think of it, I think the reason I'm so distant from teachers is BECAUSE I can't help them, and they all suck at hiding the fact they're stressed.

4) Gregorian chants are fun. Oh, wait, that doesn't belong in the irksome section.

Just as a reminder to myself, remind that forgetful college counselor that she STILL hasn't made an appointment to meet with me. Although I've heard that she isn't exactly helpful and at times condescending..?! UH.

Also, one of these days, I need to preorder stuff. D|...and buy books. And get the story down for that 1930's AU game...and everything else I've already said in the past week. Yerp.

I'm behind again. Over 100 pages worth of history I've planned to finish by this weekend. How it'll happen, I do not know. I hope I can do it and still understand it.

Just finished 1984. Modernism strikes again! It has successfully made me feel like crap. It was good, I'll give it that; interesting, yes; predictable, quite, although I'll admit it got me when someone who was really suspicious did things. I read The Little Prince right afterward. I wouldn't have understood any of it as a kid; it would've been nothing more than a book with pictures to me then. But perhaps I over analyze it now. It makes me tear up at places that aren't even sad. It's beyond cute. It's achieved something that I want to achieve with Sera's story. It's a beautiful book. It makes me wish I understood French so that I can read the original version.

I typed up half of Chapter II of CF. I have a better idea of what I want to put on those comic pages now. I depend on stress for inspiration, but that same stress prevents me from pulling through with things. It's odd, really. I'll do my best to flesh out these characters!

Layout change for lj again. I'll customize this thing one day.

Here's to hoping I can sleep well tonight without having unpleasant thoughts!

Things have been pretty eecckk lately. So I was signed up for choir because she said she'd hunt me down when she needed voices, and I accepted because I have such a hard time saying "no." So here I am. I admit, it's fun, but I really need to study. I wonder if I'll be able to do both. I hope I can. But I do need a lot of time to study, so I hope it won't be detrimental to my grades. I have a 3 and a half hour final next week in...history. I'm faaar from being a history or politics buff, and this class has helped me understand things more as I wanted it to, but I'm still not good at it. I have to deal with A.P. Bio tests after that and then the A.P. exam for history. This week, I have tests in all of my other non-A.P. classes. Not cool but expected. I can't wait to finish this month and the first two weeks of May.

School aside, the weather and my health problems are just plain annoying nowadays. California weather is just not cool (pun not intended). I've been sleeping earlier, but I'm still pretty lethargic. When the atmosphere isn't comfortable, I cannot work well. L-like now. Complaining about that aside, I really miss detective games and books. I haven't read a decent mystery in awhile. And then I watched the Great Mouse Detective. Hardly any mystery at all, but that snarky detective, Basil, was just too awesome. I love snarky characters who have every right to be snarky. Real life is a different story. I'm probably going to pick up Umineko after those exams are over. I've been wanting to for awhile even though it's a horror game. I'm going to flinch at every noise after I read it, won't I. Battler and Kanon and Jessica really make me want to play it...and it's not everyday you get a mass of pretty interesting parents in a game.

Oggi sono un po’ imbronciato. Voglio dormire, voglio mangiare, voglio disegnare, voglio suonare il violino, voglio cantare, però non voglio estudiare niente. Che fastidioso! Perchè non posso estudiare? ...I'm still attempting to study it online. >>;

Mom has been bringing up the "you're fat" subject every meal so far. I need more ways to deal with stress. I'm starting to hate eating meals with her. I GET IT. Stop telling me to eat less every meal when that's what I'm trying to do just to SATISFY YOU. Aaaahhhh, I've been so irritable lately. And when it's that time of month, I tend to, uh, EAT MORE, like NOW. "Tough love," she says--what IS that? An excuse to insult your kids daily or something?! asdlkfa;lgj;

I also watched Antique Bakery. It's full of gay, but I didn't care; it was still fun! It was cute, obviously a lot of cut character development but still enough to make it good, and kidnapping case! With pretty cakes and a flamboyant French man. I totally want cake now...not that my mom'll let me.