Old post from dA...just want feedback.^^;
Jun. 13th, 2006 03:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
keykWhy live when happiness cannot be reached? It wouldn't make a huge impact on the world if I didn't exist.
I'll continue living because it was given to me...I'll see how long I can stand...without falling.
I know that life can be a great thing. Why is it that I don't feel such? I've tried to withstand a mere fourteen years of life, and already I wish for an end. I want a reason to live. I've been given many, and I live solely so that others will not be upset, but then I think again and ask myself, who?
Ending it myself seems rather pointless, but I fear a point in life when I may decide to do so. I don't understand what consequences will follow the act, or where I will be then. There are a few things I look forward to, but I look over them and think, that's it? Do I mean my life to have such weak purposes? I suppose I'll find my point in life sooner or later, but I still feel a need for an end.
I guess some will overeact and pile me with reasons to live, but things slip from my grasp over time, and now I lay in this a current state. Is it easier to stand, or is it easier to fall?
I can easily see myself as a nuisance to the world--an existence not worth living. But that would mean that I was made for nothing. But I am here, and there should be purpose to that, but what?
Emotions conflict within me, and I am unaware of which side is most suitable for myself. I merely watch the war go on thinking, it'll be gone someday. It's been about 4 years, and the war is still raging.
What is this? A cliché teenage angst novel? I suppose cliché takes its place in the world. I can laugh at myself so easily, but I don't understand the feelings that come from it. Pain or amusement? I believed that if I forgot about myself and thought only of others, I wouldn't feel pain any longer, but such is impossible. I still feel everything I feel. I am connected to myself, and those bonds cannot be broken.
I've found that many value my talents more than who I really am. Who should I value then--myself or the things I do? Either way, I still do not find reason to find joy in myself. I've done nothing that has impacted another so greatly. I have been unable to make anyone completely happy or solve their problems (much less myself), so what is my use?
I wish there was a place where I could hide from the world and watch it from a distance--die a temporary death, perhaps. Then I could decide whether or not dying is a fine thing to do. Death. It is easily feared, and yet at times I long for it to come and take me. I feel it is best if people don't know me, and never knew I existed making my choice of action clear. Spilling my own blood would be meaningless, but I feel my life to be such as well. I have finally decided to choose a path in the maze of life.
To live or not to and why. This is the answer I seek. What should I value myself for?
The world itself is fine and wonderful--I have no problem with that. It is myself, on the other hand, whom I wish to escape. I am myself for eternity, however. I do not know what to do. I have finally decided to ask for asisstance in my war instead of just watching everything fall. Will someone restore me? Will I be restored? Will I finally find happiness or will I continue to roam the dark alleyways of my life?
I put up a happy front at times, to make myself seem friendlier and free of problems. I have dubbed myself lazy to hide my reasons to not do certain things. Who do you enjoy better: the fake me or the genuine me? The fake me is probably more enjoyable. I suffocate in these masks of mine. I never want to use them again. This is me, a broken shell trying to gather her remains before they spill. I ask for a hand, to help me. Though selfish, I have found that this is something I need.
Thigs have merely fallen. I want things to stand.
Now I ask you: how do you feel about your life? Would you rather stand, or would you rather fall?
I'll continue living because it was given to me...I'll see how long I can stand...without falling.
I know that life can be a great thing. Why is it that I don't feel such? I've tried to withstand a mere fourteen years of life, and already I wish for an end. I want a reason to live. I've been given many, and I live solely so that others will not be upset, but then I think again and ask myself, who?
Ending it myself seems rather pointless, but I fear a point in life when I may decide to do so. I don't understand what consequences will follow the act, or where I will be then. There are a few things I look forward to, but I look over them and think, that's it? Do I mean my life to have such weak purposes? I suppose I'll find my point in life sooner or later, but I still feel a need for an end.
I guess some will overeact and pile me with reasons to live, but things slip from my grasp over time, and now I lay in this a current state. Is it easier to stand, or is it easier to fall?
I can easily see myself as a nuisance to the world--an existence not worth living. But that would mean that I was made for nothing. But I am here, and there should be purpose to that, but what?
Emotions conflict within me, and I am unaware of which side is most suitable for myself. I merely watch the war go on thinking, it'll be gone someday. It's been about 4 years, and the war is still raging.
What is this? A cliché teenage angst novel? I suppose cliché takes its place in the world. I can laugh at myself so easily, but I don't understand the feelings that come from it. Pain or amusement? I believed that if I forgot about myself and thought only of others, I wouldn't feel pain any longer, but such is impossible. I still feel everything I feel. I am connected to myself, and those bonds cannot be broken.
I've found that many value my talents more than who I really am. Who should I value then--myself or the things I do? Either way, I still do not find reason to find joy in myself. I've done nothing that has impacted another so greatly. I have been unable to make anyone completely happy or solve their problems (much less myself), so what is my use?
I wish there was a place where I could hide from the world and watch it from a distance--die a temporary death, perhaps. Then I could decide whether or not dying is a fine thing to do. Death. It is easily feared, and yet at times I long for it to come and take me. I feel it is best if people don't know me, and never knew I existed making my choice of action clear. Spilling my own blood would be meaningless, but I feel my life to be such as well. I have finally decided to choose a path in the maze of life.
To live or not to and why. This is the answer I seek. What should I value myself for?
The world itself is fine and wonderful--I have no problem with that. It is myself, on the other hand, whom I wish to escape. I am myself for eternity, however. I do not know what to do. I have finally decided to ask for asisstance in my war instead of just watching everything fall. Will someone restore me? Will I be restored? Will I finally find happiness or will I continue to roam the dark alleyways of my life?
I put up a happy front at times, to make myself seem friendlier and free of problems. I have dubbed myself lazy to hide my reasons to not do certain things. Who do you enjoy better: the fake me or the genuine me? The fake me is probably more enjoyable. I suffocate in these masks of mine. I never want to use them again. This is me, a broken shell trying to gather her remains before they spill. I ask for a hand, to help me. Though selfish, I have found that this is something I need.
Thigs have merely fallen. I want things to stand.
Now I ask you: how do you feel about your life? Would you rather stand, or would you rather fall?
no subject
Date: 2006-06-15 06:58 am (UTC)It's normal to have semi-suicidal thoughts at this age. The teenage years as a whole are a bit of a torrent of confusion for everyone. Your purpose is clouded, and your future is starting to make its importance known in your mind, but it is ambiguous... and that can be rather worrisome. But don't worry, there is always an end to the storm, so long as you see it through.
Let's see...
Is it easier to stand, or is it easier to fall?
Of course, it is easier to fall. But... the easiest route is quite often not the best. If you fall off a boat, what do you do? It might be easy to think "oh darn, I guess that's the end" and allow the water to take you. But no... you fight. You fight against what brings you down, and you can make it back up. And you'll feel better about yourself for it.
I also understand the conflicting emotions/sides. It is tough... when people said "just be yourself", it made me wonder, what is "myself"? Even now, I am not entirely sure. I have facets that are super-friendly, and those that are mischievous. I love simple kindness, but also a good sharp wit. Slowly through our experiences we learn to balance our various traits, and I think we (as humans) are still learning things about ourselves even as we grow old.
Seeing people value your talent over your self is something most artists have to face. It's okay to let people on the outside value your talents; you can't let everyone into your personal bubble in order to really know you, after all. But, the things you do ultimately spawn from who you are. And you, as well as your closer friends, should value you for you. "I've done nothing that has impacted another so greatly"... now that's just a flat-out lie. ^_^ Even if you can't see it, I promise you that you have affected others in a very positive way... including me. You may not have solved the world's problems, but you cannot be expected to have done so. What you have done is touched the lives of others, even in your short 14 years. When you can make someone smile -- a genuine, loving smile -- that is something to be treasured. I am thankful to have met you.
I'm sure you already know of all the cliche reasons I could give you to live - but they are all true. You will find happiness along this path if you search for it.
I enjoy knowing you no matter how you act. You are you, and I love you for that. ^^ Don't be afraid to be true to yourself. If you hate the masks, then throw them away. Others know that no one is completely free of problems, and friends, if they are worth a dime, will be there for you when you need them. I, for one, will offer my hand to you. ^^ It is not selfish to want that. If there is anything I can do to help you along this road of life, I am happy to do it and it is never a burden.
(no subject)
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