Old post from dA...just want feedback.^^;
Jun. 13th, 2006 03:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
keykWhy live when happiness cannot be reached? It wouldn't make a huge impact on the world if I didn't exist.
I'll continue living because it was given to me...I'll see how long I can stand...without falling.
I know that life can be a great thing. Why is it that I don't feel such? I've tried to withstand a mere fourteen years of life, and already I wish for an end. I want a reason to live. I've been given many, and I live solely so that others will not be upset, but then I think again and ask myself, who?
Ending it myself seems rather pointless, but I fear a point in life when I may decide to do so. I don't understand what consequences will follow the act, or where I will be then. There are a few things I look forward to, but I look over them and think, that's it? Do I mean my life to have such weak purposes? I suppose I'll find my point in life sooner or later, but I still feel a need for an end.
I guess some will overeact and pile me with reasons to live, but things slip from my grasp over time, and now I lay in this a current state. Is it easier to stand, or is it easier to fall?
I can easily see myself as a nuisance to the world--an existence not worth living. But that would mean that I was made for nothing. But I am here, and there should be purpose to that, but what?
Emotions conflict within me, and I am unaware of which side is most suitable for myself. I merely watch the war go on thinking, it'll be gone someday. It's been about 4 years, and the war is still raging.
What is this? A cliché teenage angst novel? I suppose cliché takes its place in the world. I can laugh at myself so easily, but I don't understand the feelings that come from it. Pain or amusement? I believed that if I forgot about myself and thought only of others, I wouldn't feel pain any longer, but such is impossible. I still feel everything I feel. I am connected to myself, and those bonds cannot be broken.
I've found that many value my talents more than who I really am. Who should I value then--myself or the things I do? Either way, I still do not find reason to find joy in myself. I've done nothing that has impacted another so greatly. I have been unable to make anyone completely happy or solve their problems (much less myself), so what is my use?
I wish there was a place where I could hide from the world and watch it from a distance--die a temporary death, perhaps. Then I could decide whether or not dying is a fine thing to do. Death. It is easily feared, and yet at times I long for it to come and take me. I feel it is best if people don't know me, and never knew I existed making my choice of action clear. Spilling my own blood would be meaningless, but I feel my life to be such as well. I have finally decided to choose a path in the maze of life.
To live or not to and why. This is the answer I seek. What should I value myself for?
The world itself is fine and wonderful--I have no problem with that. It is myself, on the other hand, whom I wish to escape. I am myself for eternity, however. I do not know what to do. I have finally decided to ask for asisstance in my war instead of just watching everything fall. Will someone restore me? Will I be restored? Will I finally find happiness or will I continue to roam the dark alleyways of my life?
I put up a happy front at times, to make myself seem friendlier and free of problems. I have dubbed myself lazy to hide my reasons to not do certain things. Who do you enjoy better: the fake me or the genuine me? The fake me is probably more enjoyable. I suffocate in these masks of mine. I never want to use them again. This is me, a broken shell trying to gather her remains before they spill. I ask for a hand, to help me. Though selfish, I have found that this is something I need.
Thigs have merely fallen. I want things to stand.
Now I ask you: how do you feel about your life? Would you rather stand, or would you rather fall?
I'll continue living because it was given to me...I'll see how long I can stand...without falling.
I know that life can be a great thing. Why is it that I don't feel such? I've tried to withstand a mere fourteen years of life, and already I wish for an end. I want a reason to live. I've been given many, and I live solely so that others will not be upset, but then I think again and ask myself, who?
Ending it myself seems rather pointless, but I fear a point in life when I may decide to do so. I don't understand what consequences will follow the act, or where I will be then. There are a few things I look forward to, but I look over them and think, that's it? Do I mean my life to have such weak purposes? I suppose I'll find my point in life sooner or later, but I still feel a need for an end.
I guess some will overeact and pile me with reasons to live, but things slip from my grasp over time, and now I lay in this a current state. Is it easier to stand, or is it easier to fall?
I can easily see myself as a nuisance to the world--an existence not worth living. But that would mean that I was made for nothing. But I am here, and there should be purpose to that, but what?
Emotions conflict within me, and I am unaware of which side is most suitable for myself. I merely watch the war go on thinking, it'll be gone someday. It's been about 4 years, and the war is still raging.
What is this? A cliché teenage angst novel? I suppose cliché takes its place in the world. I can laugh at myself so easily, but I don't understand the feelings that come from it. Pain or amusement? I believed that if I forgot about myself and thought only of others, I wouldn't feel pain any longer, but such is impossible. I still feel everything I feel. I am connected to myself, and those bonds cannot be broken.
I've found that many value my talents more than who I really am. Who should I value then--myself or the things I do? Either way, I still do not find reason to find joy in myself. I've done nothing that has impacted another so greatly. I have been unable to make anyone completely happy or solve their problems (much less myself), so what is my use?
I wish there was a place where I could hide from the world and watch it from a distance--die a temporary death, perhaps. Then I could decide whether or not dying is a fine thing to do. Death. It is easily feared, and yet at times I long for it to come and take me. I feel it is best if people don't know me, and never knew I existed making my choice of action clear. Spilling my own blood would be meaningless, but I feel my life to be such as well. I have finally decided to choose a path in the maze of life.
To live or not to and why. This is the answer I seek. What should I value myself for?
The world itself is fine and wonderful--I have no problem with that. It is myself, on the other hand, whom I wish to escape. I am myself for eternity, however. I do not know what to do. I have finally decided to ask for asisstance in my war instead of just watching everything fall. Will someone restore me? Will I be restored? Will I finally find happiness or will I continue to roam the dark alleyways of my life?
I put up a happy front at times, to make myself seem friendlier and free of problems. I have dubbed myself lazy to hide my reasons to not do certain things. Who do you enjoy better: the fake me or the genuine me? The fake me is probably more enjoyable. I suffocate in these masks of mine. I never want to use them again. This is me, a broken shell trying to gather her remains before they spill. I ask for a hand, to help me. Though selfish, I have found that this is something I need.
Thigs have merely fallen. I want things to stand.
Now I ask you: how do you feel about your life? Would you rather stand, or would you rather fall?
