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Feb. 27th, 2009 09:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
keykI hate being asked to help other people and hardly being able to help at all. I wish I were more talented, stronger, something. I hate being helpless--it's the worse feeling I've ever experienced and the feeling that continues to haunt me no matter how hard I try to build up confidence.
Had to help paint today. It was made of drawings of real people and paint. I was asked to help. Can I do either of these things? No. I knew drawing wasn't my most favorite activity in the world, considering I started only because my sister did, who's far more talented than me, so I decided against taking classes and pursuing other things. Here I was surrounded by insanely talented artists (our school is known for having a really good art program), but I did almost nothing to help. I was really intimidated! Brought some materials up while the others brought up more than I did. Tried to help, but I was slow, so they took over anyway. I didn't mind they're action, heck, they're doing that made me feel better; at least I wasn't hindering their work. My sister came over and helped, too. I can't draw realistically, and I don't even know the basics of using paint, and there was no way I was going to risk ruining their face sketches.
Maybe I should've taken art classes, but thinking that is unreasonable as it was a one time thing. It's rude to refuse to help my friend when I have time on my hands to do so, but I was a dead weight to the group of artists she had assembled. I hate just watching people work and doing nothing. I end up talking myself down afterward. I can't stand being useless. I want to help. But I don't want to get in the way either. It's always the same things that get to me over and over again. Why aren't I good enough when it comes to helping people? I love how they won't thing badly of me for as long as I'll be dwelling on this. Really, the things I fret over.
Had to help paint today. It was made of drawings of real people and paint. I was asked to help. Can I do either of these things? No. I knew drawing wasn't my most favorite activity in the world, considering I started only because my sister did, who's far more talented than me, so I decided against taking classes and pursuing other things. Here I was surrounded by insanely talented artists (our school is known for having a really good art program), but I did almost nothing to help. I was really intimidated! Brought some materials up while the others brought up more than I did. Tried to help, but I was slow, so they took over anyway. I didn't mind they're action, heck, they're doing that made me feel better; at least I wasn't hindering their work. My sister came over and helped, too. I can't draw realistically, and I don't even know the basics of using paint, and there was no way I was going to risk ruining their face sketches.
Maybe I should've taken art classes, but thinking that is unreasonable as it was a one time thing. It's rude to refuse to help my friend when I have time on my hands to do so, but I was a dead weight to the group of artists she had assembled. I hate just watching people work and doing nothing. I end up talking myself down afterward. I can't stand being useless. I want to help. But I don't want to get in the way either. It's always the same things that get to me over and over again. Why aren't I good enough when it comes to helping people? I love how they won't thing badly of me for as long as I'll be dwelling on this. Really, the things I fret over.
